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Jul. 5th, 2009

animal masks

human tetris

I can't believe it's been so long.
I've found myself listening to your favorite song on repeat.
Accidentally.
It was there before you..
Now its scarred in the best way you have never even comtemplated.
My fingers won't find any of the right keys.
Cats in cardboard.
Couches in trees.
Snakes around everyone's necks.
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes open.
This headaches growing worse by the day.
My whole shell feels fractured.
I thikn I'm forcing myself to do this.

Jun. 1st, 2009

dolly

hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play...

According to evolutionary psychologists, a woman can tell from a first kiss if she and her partner are genetically compatible.
Subconsciously at least.
Apparently, it's what creates the difference between a good and bad one.

So I keep thinking,
I've only ever had one really amazing first kiss.
I'm beginning to worry I've missed my shot with you.
That we were a much better match than either of us thought.
At least its what the world seems to keep telling me these days.

May. 13th, 2009

animal masks

baby

Its the extra five that gets me.
When you weigh up a situation, a choice, a feeling in your head, and when you finally make a decision.
The decision.
When your asked a question. When you question yourself.
When you do something about it.
When you are 95% sure its right.
Answer. Action. Choice.
For you at least, its right.
But there's still that 5%.
That five that hides in the back of your head, taunting you. Torturing you.
Making you question yourself. Doubt yourself.
What if I'm wrong?
What if I the choice isn't right?
What if I made a mistake?
What if I'm not as certain as I thought?
No matter how sure you think you are, there's still that extra five.
And its that extra five that keeps you awake at night, worrying that you've got everything so wrong.
Its that 5% that kills me.

May. 7th, 2009

3d

holding onto yourself the best you can...

I'm encouraging you to do all the things I've done.
Pushing you to make all the same mistakes.
That way it won't seem so bad.
I won't feel as awful.
As guilty.
As ashamed.

I am going to ruin you.

You don't deserve any of this.

I am so, so sorry.

May. 4th, 2009

clock

HH

Naivity hit the switch and now I'm down here looking up,
and there is no way to fool anyone anymore.
We were supposed to be the same.
She spiralled me into so many questions.
I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right decision.
For the first time last night I started to doubt my actions.
My motives.
If they were what I've always made them out to be.
What I've convinced myself of.
If it was simply desperation,
and the desire to be done with all of this.
And now I can't help but worry that it was a mistake.
This is the first time I've allowed myself to acknowledge it.
The fear and sickness rising in the back of my throat,
It can't be ignored now.
It can't be pushed back down.
The word makes me shiver and convulse.
It can't happen like this.
I can't let it all end up this way.
I need to be alright with this again.

May. 2nd, 2009

animal masks

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth...

You know, recently I've really began to feel like I'm back to being a teenager again. Like I'm going through that awkward adolescent process of trying to establish your independance and your place in the world, trying to figure out who you really are as a person, all over again.
And I don't know if I can manage it.
I put myself through the ringer enough the first time round. It almost broke me.
All that was supposed to be done with now.
I just honestly don't know if I have the energy, strength or patience to do it again.

Apr. 27th, 2009

book

all of my hoping just turned into lying..

You knock my feet out from under me.
Trap me between the walls of trying to do what's right,
and trying to get what I want.
My stomach is all tied up in knots,
and my mouth can't form the words I want to say.
If I could blow myself into a billion tiny little pieces,
I'd surround you and everyone you've ever known,
just to see if you talk about me when I'm not around.
I'll scar you so you won't ever forget me.

Apr. 21st, 2009

Gloves

i played your song but i got the melody all wrong...

I want to tell you all of my secrets,
and have you completely understand.
Even if you don't,
I want you to pretend.
Humour me until this makes sense to us both.

I don't know why I can't let go of this.

Apr. 17th, 2009

animal masks

the shakes

It's been fresh for years.
Wiped clean and started new from the beginning.
But with a history that never really was.
An air of uncertainty.
A nervousness that can't be acknowledged.
Surrounding our space.
Echoing through us.
I never know where to start.
Trying to figure out what you want from me.
What we want from each other.
I read too much into most situations.
But I'm not the only one thinking it,
I'm sure.

I can never decide on what I want until I know I can't have something anymore.

Apr. 15th, 2009

animal masks

a stronger girl would shake this off in flight...

Sometimes it genuinely frightens me how much one sentance can seem to sum up everything about a person. About me. About how I feel. About what I'm doing. Or trying to do. Or not doing at all. Sometimes, I don't realise how important they are are until much later. They're just words. Just letters and vowels and syllables and noises really. They don't mean anything until you try to string them together. Then out they come, in a random tumble that doesn't make any sense to start with. Sometimes it takes saying something aloud for it to become real. For it to hit home. It needs to be heard. The words need to be felt and devoured and relished before they can be understood. Before you can start to recognised that they're all you really have.

I obsess over sentances I think speak for who I am.
Roll them around in my head like a secret.
Practice saying them aloud.
Practice feeling them again for the first time.
I repeat the same lines over and over,
expecting some kind of revelation to hit me.
For me to say them one final time and have everything become clear.
Have everything makes sense.
Have my whole life click into place.


They don't really work that way though.

Words just conflict me.

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